I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.