[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people