Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
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My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum