A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…