For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You Might Also Like
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
don’t be scared
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY