I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The game has officially changed 😎
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans