Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Venn
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.