son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine