Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire