Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn