Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I like long walks away from everyone
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.