I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.