Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Liquor Store Parking
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…