My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
You Might Also Like
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
ok like just. call me at this point
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.