Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!