My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Beware of the “party goblin”…
S O O N
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.