You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I can’t stop laughing at this
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.