Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I am crying
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac