I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’