Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.