911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
That’s incredible! 👌
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Don’t forget to tip your server
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.