Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.