*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Ape together strong
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Battery falling down a hole
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.