It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Somebody’s lying.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with