You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”