I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Quadruple digit IQ
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Challenge accepted.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?