The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
March 16
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
#TopTip
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.