If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself