Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
won’t smith
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?