If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
do what now??
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.