The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The honesty is refreshing
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.