If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH