the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.