Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Fixed this for Shakespeare
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.