10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
A woman drives into a bar.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Where is your GOD now????
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”