When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
You Might Also Like
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
What kind of a cult is this?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.