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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
life finds a way
buys donuts instead
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
5 ways to appear taller
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
And now we wait
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.