I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
…u ok Nintendo?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Art by Pastelkatto
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.