First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room