I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.