When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.