Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.