13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped