No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.