[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Not today. 😅
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.