Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.