I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]