Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
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You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
North and South
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.