I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Thursday Thought.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
being a writer on Twitter:
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!