My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You Might Also Like
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!